I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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