my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
