90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
