in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
