there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
This girl is more easily done than said...
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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