guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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