Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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