i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
