you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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