Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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