unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
