Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
