i just snorted my name. best moment ever
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
