He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
