I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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