The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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