checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We are all done wearing pants today
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize