dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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