My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
