I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
