Your face is a jimmy john
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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