i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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