I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
