After last night, I could never be a politician.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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