Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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