My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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