This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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