He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize