I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
