Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Randomize
