I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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