I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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