Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize