so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
