I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
