I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
