So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
