I understand Curling. That high.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
