i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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