Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
