I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
