Sponge bath it is.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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