i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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