I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
