she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize