I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
