he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
