Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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