I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
