im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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