last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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