you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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