Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
