I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
