Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
