i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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