Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
