its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
