I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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