I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
