I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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