My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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