He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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