There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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